Diese Scheiße ist krank!

I recently had a German assessment at work. Classes are being organised by my employer in conjunction with a local language school. The assessment was an aptitude test to gauge my standard of spoken German. I am capable of gauging it pretty well already, it's shieße.

 

Before I moved out here I had grand visions of magically picking up the language by simply eating currywurst. Sadly, this hasn't happened (although the currywurst is indeed tasty). In reality, German is a mysterious code composed of ridiculous sounds that no human should ever have to make on a voluntarily basis (although it is fun to try). I still struggle to pronounce the name of the road the office is on. It's not a major problem, Berlin is an international city and you can always make yourself understood. There are English speakers that have been at my company for years and still haven't learnt a lick of German. But I want to.

 

I have been told that it's important to pick the right teacher, one that you get on with. But work are subsidising the lessons so I'd be stupid not to take them up. And how bad could it be? Learning German will be hard work whoever is trying to teach me, even if Heidi Klum is taking the lesson in a bikini it'll still be a steep learning curve for me.

 

As it turned out the teacher was neither Heidi Klum nor wearing a bikini but she was nice. She attempted to conduct the assessment in German only (as a precursor to the format of the lessons). It consisted of her asking me the most basic of questions as if I had been dropped on my head as a baby. I managed to make it to question three before having to concede defeat and saying... '....I'll have to stop you there' resulting in her putting a large black mark next to my name. I then asked her some questions about the duration of the course, the nature of the teaching methods and I am genuinely looking forward to it. Perhaps that's easy for me to say before I've even started though. We shall see.

 

I do frequently use some German phrases though. So here, more or less in its entirety, is my German vocabulary. It's quite varied and might be useful should you ever visit Germany (and that was good old English sarcasm):

 

'Englisch, Entschuldigung' - Which I like to use at every possible opportunity to apologise for being English.

 

'Opfer' - Meaning 'victim', apparently it's the insult of choice among the local rude-boys. This could come in handy if I ever get in a knife fight and want to be intimidating (but polite enough to engage potential attackers in the native language).

 

'Diese Scheiße ist krank!' – A phrase I made up. It’s literal translation: 'this shit is sick', a useful phrase when talking about hip-hop and 'dope beats' (as one occasionally does in my line of work) but not particularly useful in any other context other than blog entry titles. The ridiculousness of this phrase delighted a couple of my German colleagues. 

 

'American Spirit Gelb, bitte' – sadly this phrase is all too commonly used. 

 

'Kiez' – Neighbourhood or district but in the slang sense a bit like 'hood

 

'Käsespätzle' - this is the name of the specific type of macaroni cheese that Germans enjoy. The dish isn't anything exceptional, I just think the word is ridiculous so I like it.

 

'Genau' - Every German's most commonly used word. I swear Germans can have a four minute conversation using only this word. It means 'exactly' and when I say it feels like I know what I'm talking about for a second.

 

'Ein großes Hefeweizen bitte' – A very rewarding phrase. 

 

'Bis Später Peter' - 'See you later, Peter'. Due to the oddities of the German language, this rhymes. I have subsequently corrupted it by simply saying 'Späters'. Germans look at me oddly but I hope this saying will catch on.

 

'Haltz maul' - Literally 'stop mouth' (which I love) and actually very rude judging by the expressions on German people's phrases when I say it to them. I think the fact I tend to bark it in the style of an army Commander adds to their shock. 

 

'Schnuckiputzi' - Meaning cutie-pie or something to that effect. Possibly the most ridiculous word in the history of mankind. I lol'd when I first encountered it, it's perfect.